moving on

he works to peel the callous off of her left third finger
a subtle reminder of what was and yet wasn’t for too long
leader for the couple, a donkey dragging a cartload along
never getting to the summit of the hill

no indentation now, but the mark remains, encircling as a faint reminder
no amount of lotion can fix this
she wonders…
will this ever leave her body and go away?

dishes, silverware and his favorite chair gone
empty drawers and gaping closet spaces
one car in the double garage
only a place setting needed for dinner

alone, happier, and so is he
both smiling more
a strange outcome
she knows not often this happens

she should be thankful the ending was so mild
but he has always been that way
not initiating anything often
never fighting for her, even in the end

he said ‘i love you’ with words
without the back up of actions
did she expect too much?
did she force this all to change and he let it roll off into what is was now?

no matter, it was over and done
papers signed with not much emotion
the comfort of ‘them’ now erased of the whiteboard
a few quick strokes of the pen, we to “i’s” in seconds

not as in the beginning with ritual, no satin and lace
no flowers or well wishes and toasts
just the awkward sympathy of those who are told
and now, she starts her life again

moving on

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despair

Despair is a narcotic. It lulls the mind into indifference.  –Charlie Chaplin

Indifference.
The ache in my bones
The tears waiting in to spill down my cheeks
My unfocused eyes as I plod through a day
Fine. Go ahead, you got stuff to do.
Just leave me the fuck alone.

Don’t touch me.
Don’t worry, you don’t have to talk to me
or text me
or email me
or facebook me
or IM me

No worries.
I don’t care.

I know its a lot of trouble.
To ‘deal’ with me.
No worries, mon
It’s all good

You don’t have to
I am not asking you
To take time out of your day
To take time out of your life
To take time for asking me what’s up
To take time to check to see …

If I am still breathing.
No worries, really
I could give a flying fuck
Really its pretty much been status quo anyways.

Don’t want to trouble you.
No worries…..really.
It’s all good
It’s all fucking good.

despair

where did you go

where did you go?

did you dissipate in the raging prairie winds,
caught in the tall rustling grasses?
did you leap from a hanging outcrop,
out of sight and out of mind to the rocks below?
did you slowly saunter down an open desert road,
listening to insect songs and coyote yips, only the moon as company?
did you dig a hole of despair and burrow into its depression,
melting back into the earth among worms and bugs?

where did you go?

perhaps you climbed a mountain of indifference,
to slide down a stagnant glacier, creeping to the sea.
perhaps you still run an endless, desolate track,
legs trembling, lungs screaming.
perhaps you sit in a corner of a busy room,
watching others, unnoticed.
perhaps you crouched in the sagebrush, hide-and-seek
finally giving up to go anywhere else to play.

where did you go?

sometimes i see you from an abandon barn window, paint peeling, rafters caving, peeking through broken glass out over a fallow field.
sometimes i glimpse you among the trash heaps,threading through discarded things, stench of rot and forgotten wants.
sometimes i feel you skitter across the keyboard,writing traces of what was and never will be again.
sometimes, out of the corner of my eye, an apparition fading as i turn a flashlight in your direction

where did you go?

i feel a chasm where you were, dark, deep, endless.
i grieve, no remnants of hope expanding behind your wake.
i am paralyzed with indecision, wondering when I will leap,
a small unnoticed splash sinking to the bottom,
ripples and bubbles blending back into the sea.

where did you go —
Eros, Philos and Agape?

where did you go, love?

where did you go